The Mystery of Hallmark's Movies and Mysteries Programming

 

I was trying to figure out what in the blue blazes happened to Hallmark Movies and Mysteries handsdown best series Mystery 101, when I stumbled on this little gem of an article at Giant Freaking Robot wherein I learned that Hallmark is locked in mortal combat with something called Great American Media. 

Just the name alone, right? CLUE.

You can read the article for the full details, but one little nugget I gleaned is that some blame Hallmark's struggles for audience share on all that wild and crazy diversity Hallmark is shoving down everyone's throats. 

Which... HUH? I guess they mean there are a couple of shows with African American leads and a couple of holiday movies with...GULP...g-g-gay people? 

For example, Bill Abbott, the departing CEO of Crown Media Family (which owns the Hallmark Channel) AND an outspoken opponent of  "diversity and inclusion initiatives," shared his concern that they (diversity and inclusion???)  will change the tone of a channel where once, viewers could expect light-hearted fun without having to consider “dark situations, violence, sexual situations, things that just…create anxiety," says Abbott. His goals for Great American Media involve the integrity of its stars and heartwarming stories.

Take a moment to unpack all that and then consider the quaint notion that gay people are somehow not compatible with Faith, Family, and Country or lighthearted fun and heartwarming content.

For HEAVEN'S SAKE. And I do mean that literally. What is the MATTER with you weirdos? 

Why on earth would stories about LGBTQ people have to be dark, violent and sexual? Do you think maybe you're projecting a wee bit?

But I'm not even going to try and tackle that level of insanity. Instead, I'm going to point out the obvious to whoever is currently in charge of programming over at Hallmark Movies and Mysteries. Oh. Right. Michelle Vicary.

If you call your channel Movies and MYSTERIES, you obviously want to attract MYSTERY viewers. You know, viewers who like MYSTERIES. And who have probably ALREADY seen all the episodes of Monk, Murder, She Wrote, Diagnosis Murder and Hart to Hart like a BILLION times. That's not fresh content, nor do we need to turn to Hallmark to see old shows that are pretty much streamable on every content provider we have. 

NOR do your regular non-mystery viewers need to turn to the Movies and MYSTERIES channel to see the same schmaltzy content they can see on all your other channels.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Michelle? Viewers like me tune into Movies and MYSTERIES because we're hoping to see more MYSTERIES. Not just mysteries, mysteries with that peculiarly cozy comforting Hallmark vibe. The Faith, Family, Country vibe that--dare I say it?--is not the exclusive property of straight, white, right-wingers who create their content mostly in CANADA.

Do I wish you had a cozy mystery series or two that featured LGBTQ protags? I sure do. But at this point I'd be thrilled if you had ANY mysteries featuring ANY credible protags. I want to scream every time another of those month-long Christmas in Another Inappropriate Month extravaganzas start. 

You had some charming little mystery shows with devoted followings: Mystery 101, the Martha's Vineyard mysteries, the Crossword Mysteries, and even Ruby Herring (she was growing on me!). 

Personally, I think Aurora Teagarden and Hannah Swenson--as much as I enjoyed them both--have run their course, so oh well.

And then there were the so-so offerings. They tried. You tried. I respect that. 

What I don't respect, let alone understand, is yanking shows that were just getting their footing, finding their audience, bringing in the views and market share you desperately need. That's not how the mystery world works! That's not how you win a mystery reading-viewing audience. Mysteries are more cerebral than romance. You have to win our minds as well as our hearts. It takes time. It takes more than beloved Aunt Joan dying in a freak logging accident and leaving spunky Samantha a Christmas Tree farm and a cranky but hunky (widowed-with-one-adorable-poppet) head lumber jack who's forgotten the meaning of Christmas.

I'll be frank. I think you lost your nerve. I see a new crop of not-very-promising contenders. Maybe Francesca Quinn, PI. Maybe. But I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I'm afraid to commit to any of your new shows because you broke that most sacred covenant. You commited the worst crime you can against a mystery reader: you cancelled mid-series. ON A CLIFF HANGER. 

P.S. Signed, Sealed, and Delivered is NOT a mystery.