Christmas Coda 33

Ryo and Kai from Blood Red Butterfly

 

 

Ryo had probably had worse Christmases. He couldn’t remember one though.

First, he had to work. That was a drag, but he was new man on the totem pole at Barton and Ross Investigations, so fair enough. He was the guy pulling stakeout duty on Christmas morning. Somebody had to be. Too bad because it was his and Kai’s first holiday as a couple, but he could wait a few hours to see what goodies Santa brought him. Except what Santa had brought seemed to be strife and unhappiness.

Ryo shifted position behind the wheel of the sedan. His butt ached from sitting for hours. Though not as much as his heart ached.

You were supposed to be honest with the people you loved, right? You didn’t tell them lies to keep the peace or make life easier on yourself. So when Kai had started in about how Laurel and Ojiisan were forcing Kenji to spend Christmas with them, Ryo had intervened.

“Dude, you have to think about what’s best for Kenji,” he had said.

“I am thinking of that!” Kai had snarled. He was pacing up and down the living room floor, past the towering Christmas tree piled with gifts and toys for his little son. “It’s our first Christmas together.”

“Yeah, so you’ve said about a dozen times now. But if Kenji wants to be with his mother and Oji--”

“Laurel’s lying!”

“Dude.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s my turn. I’ve waited and waited for this.” Kai’s fox-brown eyes glittered dangerously in his pale, furious face.

No wonder the kid was scared of him.

But Ryo did not say that. There were some truths you could not ever share. Instead he said, “Look, what do a few hours matter? He’ll be here the day after Christmas, right? He’ll love it. He gets two Christmases for the price of one.”

“It’s not the same! This was our first Christmas. You’re not going to be here. Now Kenji’s not going to be here.” Kai whirled away again and started another lap of the festively decorated room. 

He’d gone all out. It looked -- and smelled -- like Santa’s Village in there. Garland and candles and a couple of life-sized reindeer statues. Whatever. If it made him happy, it made Ryo happy.

But then disaster. Laurel had called to say Kenji now wanted to spend Christmas day at home. He was worried that Santa might not find him at his father’s or some such excuse. The thing was, Kenji didn’t really need an excuse. Not in Ryo’s opinion. If he was happier waking up Christmas morning in his own bed, well, he was the little kid after all. Kai was just going to have to swallow his disappointment.

But he had not swallowed his disappointment. He had been ranting and raving for nearly an hour when Ryo had made the mistake of trying to reason with him.

In Ryo’s opinion, not only was it not fair to blame Laurel and Ojiisan for this change in plans, it wasn’t healthy. Yes, it was Kai’s turn to have Kenji spend Christmas -- more than his turn -- and yes, Kenji would have had a great time. He usually ended up having a great time, even if he always arrived shy and uncertain and a little reluctant. But that was beside the point. The kid didn’t want to be there. And that wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Or even if it was partly the fault of Laurel and Ojiisan for those years of keeping Kai from his son and creating this unnatural tension…there wasn’t any point dwelling on what couldn’t be changed. Right?

“It seems to me like you’re more concerned with what you want than what Kenji wants,” Ryo said.

Kai had gone perfectly silent and perfectly still. When he turned, his face was bone white and his eyes were red and glowing. Okay, not literally red and glowing, but if Kai had been drawing himself for a manga -- Blood Red Christmas -- his eyes would surely have been red and glowing.

“What?”

Ryo said, “All I’m hearing is how disappointed you are. You’re not five years old, Kai. So next year, maybe he’ll be ready to spend Christmas Eve over here. And in the meantime you’ll have the day aft--”

“Get out!” Kai had yelled. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

Gee, it was practically like old times.

Except… “It’s my house too,” Ryo had pointed out. Loudly. “So you get out.”

“Fine! I’m going.”

And he had. Stopping only to grab his car keys, he had flung out of the house and driven away into the rainy gray afternoon. Without so much as a jacket.

“Good!” Ryo had yelled as the front door slammed shut.

Peace and quiet at last.

Ryo got a beer out of the fridge and made himself a sandwich. Maybe after lunch, he’d have a nap. He would be working all night and it would be wise to take advantage of this lull in the storm. But he couldn’t sleep. Every time he glanced at that giant Christmas tree sparkling and alight, the embodiment of all Kai’s anticipation and hopes over these past weeks, his heart felt heavy.

He hated Kai being so hurt and disappointed, and maybe that was one reason he hadn’t been patient enough. He couldn’t fix this and so he wanted it not to matter so much to Kai. He wanted him to be reasonable and wise. But Kai was not reasonable and wise. Well, sometimes. But he was also headstrong and impulsive and emotional.

Kai did not call and he was not home by the time Ryo had to leave for work.

Ryo didn’t think he was in the wrong, but he did think he could have handled things better. Anyway, he hated quarreling with Kai, and quarreling during the holidays added a special level of awfulness to it. So he scrawled SORRY xoxo on a post-it-note and left it stuck the fridge door.

 

Rain drops hit the windshield. A gray Toyota splashed past Ryo and parked half a block up. The taillights went out.

That would be Ellison, Ryo’s relief. He checked his watch. Nine thirty. Shift over. And not a peep out of his phone all night. He checked his messages to be sure. But no. Nothing. Not a word from Kai.

He started the engine. He could always drop by his mom’s and spend Christmas morning there. If Kai wasn’t home…well, that was going to be pretty damned depressing. Or if Kai was there but still wanting to fight, that would be worse.

 For a few moments he sat watching the rain, car engine idling, then he drove home.

* * * *

Kai’s car was in the garage, so Ryo knew he was back. That was a relief. More of a relief than he wanted to admit, in fact.

The house was so quiet, he thought Kai must still be sleeping. And that could either be a good sign or a bad sign. There were no lights on, no music. The Christmas tree was a dark form in the gloom.

Ryo tiptoed through, heading for the bedroom, stopping only to plug in the Christmas tree lights. In the sudden dazzle of blue and red and green and gold he was startled to spot Kai huddled on the sofa. Kai looked straight at him. His eyes were dark in his haggard face. He said nothing.

“What is it?” Ryo went over to him, sitting down on the sofa, pulling Kai to him. He was thinking death and disaster at the least. Their earlier quarrel was forgotten.

Kai shook his head, but he leaned into Ryo. He was not crying, but there was something so sad, so heartbroken in his silence, that tears would have been a relief.

“Tell me,” Ryo said softly.

Kai moved his head in negation again, but he said into Ryo’s chest, “If you’re not on my side, then I have no one.”

“I’m always on your side. Always. You don’t want me to lie to you, do you?”

He felt Kai swallow. Kai said in that same smothered voice, “I don’t know. No. Only sometimes.”
Ryo smiled faintly.
Kai said, "I do want what's best for Kenji. But if I don't push this -- he's my son. He doesn't know me. I don't know him."
"I know. But you can't force it." Ryo kissed the top of Kai’s head. He smelled like he had been out in the rain for a long time. He felt chilled. His own Ice Princess. But now he knew the ice was a thin and too fragile shell. “I am always on your side. I guess the truth is, I can’t stand it when anyone hurts you. I didn’t want it to matter so much to you because there isn’t anything I can do about this situation.”

“I don’t need you to do anything except…"

"Except what?"

"Be the one I matter to.”

Ryo’s heart squeezed. “Kai-chan. You do matter. You matter more than anyone or anything.”

And that was the truth. Ryo wasn’t even asking for it to be true in reverse. Because if that wasn’t what love was about -- putting someone else first -- what was it?

He held Kai quietly, safely in the soft, prism of many-colored lights, and it was enough.

 

 

 

 

Six Books for Six Bucks

For this weekend only, I'm dropping the price of six of my novellas to .99 cents. That's six books for six bucks.

I've tried to get a nice assortment of stories in here: fantasy, historical, and of course mystery and romance.

The selected titles are:

A Vintage Affair
Blood Red Butterfly
The Dark Horse
The Darkling Thrush
Cards on the Table
Out of the Blue

You can purchase them at that reduced price through Smashwords, All Romance Ebooks, and Amazon Kindle. Unfortunately the turn around time at B&N is too slow -- by the time they'd have the new prices approved and posted, the sale would be over! -- but you can buy epub format through Smashwords or All Romance Ebooks.

This sale will end sometime Sunday, so do not linger or tarry. Hie yourself over to your favorite bookseller and start clicking. And if you already have the books, you can always gift them to someone else, right?

Have a terrific weekend!

BLOOD RED BUTTERFLY now available

Despite falling for aloof manga artist Kai Tashiro, Homicide Detective Ryo Miller is determined to break the alibi Kai is supplying his murderous boyfriend--even if it means breaking Kai with it.


Let the head-scratching begin! Blood Red Butterfly is coming in for a landing. This started out as such a simple little idea. I would support the release of the Japanese translations of Fair Game, etc. by doing a little Japanese-themed story. So, originally, it was going to be a short story, but then...well, you know me. It got a little complicated. So it ended up being a novella. And I ended up spending about twice the usual time on it because....because....

Let me put it this way. REMIND ME not to start next year off with a big complicated literary experiment.  I like to ease into these things. Start the year off with characters I know, situations that are familiar, books that are relatively easy to write.

That said, THANK GOD this is finished and now available on Kindle, Nook, All Romance Ebooks and Smashwords.

A Face Only a Mother Could Love

Whoo boy! Finished the rough draft to Blood Red Butterfly.

I really do write QUITE an ugly first draft. I'm a fan of outlines, but really my outlines are generally pretty loose -- of the three to five page variety, not the thirty page variety. I've come to see that my rough draft is, in fact, my lengthy outline.

But once I have that outline down -- which comes by dint of blood, sweat, and tea
rs -- THEN things begin to shake loose. Once the foundation has been laid, the framework raised, then I can finally, really get to work on the structure.

Previously I would have handed this off to one of my editors in a weird ritual whereby they would look it over, make whatever comments and observations were possible, pat me on the head and shoot it right back to me with an order to finish it so they might actually be able to work on it.

Example of this insanity:

“So what’s the point of all this?” He gestured at the geisha mural, the bowls of smooth black stones and spartan orchid arrangements.  “You have some kind of Asian fetish?”

Tashiro flung himself down on one of the low couches. “What’s wrong with being aware of your heritage?”

“What heritage are you supposed to be?” Ryo tugged on a long red strand of hair.

 

exchange names

Finish talking go to bed and have sex

Ryo explored  rolled onto his knees, reaching for the bottle of oil.

 

 

 

Makes sense to me!

Of course you can only take it so far before the missing pieces begin to crucially impact all that would follow.

Since I don't have an editor to hand it off to, I'm letting the manuscript sit for a week, which seems crazily indulgent. To allow myself that kind of time away from a project. In the meantime I'm working on other things -- The Boy With the Painful Tattoo mainly.

I don't know if this will work, but if it does it will be terrific because one of the things I really hated about my previous work schedule was not having time to let things sit. That time of letting the story lie fallow is crucial, I think.

Unless I'm kidding myself and I'm just being lazy.