Thursday, December 10, 2015

Advent Calendar Day 10

Today I'm going to get you drunk and then steal your pocket change. Okay, maybe not. Today I'm going to share a holiday cocktail recipe with you.


What the hell? That's SOUP!
I can't pretend. I do like to drink. However, time and tide have done their worst--er, work--and these days I'm pretty moderate in my drinking habits. A glass of wine with dinner. A dash of Irish in my morning coffee. That kind of thing. Okay! A cocktail or three at lunch. But I usually skip lunch, so we're FINE. WE DON'T HAVE A  PROBLEM HERE. WE WOULD BE THE FIRST TO KNOW IF WE HAD A PROBLEM.

Anyway. Epicurious lists the Top 5 Sexiest Cocktails right here. THERE. Right where the link is underlined. I'M NOT RAISING MY VOICE. YOU'RE RAISING YOUR VOICE!

Where was I?

Wassail. Is Wassail a cocktail? Who cares! It's a nice traditional holiday bevvie. The first time I tried to make it, I was in junior high and it went...terribly wrong.


But anyway, let's not dwell on the past. This looks like a pretty decent recipe.


Prep Time: Depends on how much you've already had to drink


Cook Time: Forever. Okay, no. Three hours -- which is ridiculous!! Right? Those carolers are liable to turn ugly any minute!




Ingredients:
Damn it! That's also soup!

1 Gallon apple cider
2 C. cranberry juice
1/2 C honey
1/2 C sugar
2 oranges
Whole cloves
1 apple, peeled and diced
Allspice
Ginger
Nutmeg
3 cinnamon sticks or 3 Tbs. ground cinnamon
1/2 C – 1 C brandy- optional (LIKE HELL!!!!)




Preparation:

Set your crockpot (hahahahaha booze in a crockpot!!!) to its lower setting, and pour in the apple cider, cranberry juice, honey and sugar. Mix it up, which you always do anyway even when you're not supposed to. Bring to a smiling boil. That will be you smiling, not the wassail. Anyway, I'm making that up. Stir until the honey and sugar dissolve.  Stud the oranges with the cloves (WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING SEX INTO IT YOU SELFISH BASTARD?)  and place in the pot (they’ll float). Wait. What? Add the diced apple. Add allspice, ginger and nutmeg to taste. Remember, you can always add more, you can't get it out once it's in there. Yeswearestilltalkingaboutwassailyouhaveaonetrackmind. Finally, snap the cinnamon sticks in half and add those as well.


Cover pot and allow to simmer 2 – 4 hours on low heat. SO IT'S NOT THREE HOURS, IT'S MAYBE FOUR About half an hour prior to serving, add the brandy if you choose to use it. OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO USE IT!


Right. So there you go. Traditional wassail. Drunken quarrel with guests optional.


Anyway, the truth is, the sexiest cocktail is the one you leave unfinished because you can't wait to be alone together.  ;-)




Wassail cunningly disguised as fruit soup

41 comments:

  1. LOL! Sounds pretty awesome... I may be trying it in my Christmas Eve dinner this year... Or maybe not, I still remember what happened last year... :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't you worry about that! The rest of us have forgotten--and after a couple of cups you won't remember either!

      Delete
  2. I have a cold, perhaps with more brandy, I don't can feel it anymore. And with all the vitamin C....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? Exactly right. Wassail helps fight colds. It's good for you! :-D

      Delete
  3. Can I just clarify for us non-Americans: "C" equals "cup", doesn't it? I think I know this from seeing recipes on various blogs over the years. It's just that we don't tend to use "cup" as a measurement in cooking; we specialise in many different spoon sizes instead.

    Anyway -- it looks yummy! And I'd never have guessed from reading your books that you like to drink. Honestly...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who uses a spoon to measure out booze?? It's obvious drunk from a cup. Several cups! ;-)

      Delete
  4. Thanks for the idea. Maybe I shall start a new tradition.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is delightful. I think I might try it. I want a bowl of wassail.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Put the ladle down and step away from the crock pot with your hands up where we can see them. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did someone say ASSUME THE POSITION? (Drunken giggles...)

      Delete
  7. Looks great but now I'm going to be thinking of sex when I stud the orange, dammit!;) Thanks for the recipe and the link to the Epicurious cocktails too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha! I know I won't be trying to make it, but Josh, the reading of it, from your hands, is the best ever. Thank you for another brilliant post.

    ReplyDelete
  9. :-D I do love a tipsy morning, er morning blog...you've obviously researched this one VERY thoroughly!!Sounds like one could just grab a bag of sugar, a spoon, and a bottle of cinnamon brandy to achieve the same results. Or at least as a warm up to making the crock full!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! THIS I can safely say I LIVED!!! Hic. ;-D

      Delete
  10. Oooh! We should go a wassailing. I'm sure if we drink enough it will be great fun.
    Although I must admit that would probably make the house smell fabulous while it's cooking.
    However, a beer at dinner and maybe a wee nip of my passion fruit liqueur is about a heavy as I get in the drinking department.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to love wassailing. We lived way out in the country, so we did in in a caravan of pick up trucks. It was so cold! And so fun.

      Delete
  11. You sound like the Galloping Gourmet. Of course, you're probably not old enough to remember him. (I'm giving you an out here, take it!) We just bought all the stuff to make Wassail and I'm looking forward to it. Yummo! Wassail in the pool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do remember! I remember my mom watching him. I THINK HE WAS A BAD INFLUENCE ON HER. In fact, I reference the GG in Baby, it's Cold. :-D

      Delete
  12. Sorry, was too busy laughing to read the directions. Did I make soup by mistake? Am I drunk just from reading about drinking? :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Quit drinking the soup out of the crockpot!!!

      Delete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My mom used to make something similar with wine, smelled lovely. And oddly it was given to the adults when they were sick lol.
    Do you strain it before serving? Or do you want bits in there? Does it have to be served warm?
    --Andy Slayde

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're talking to one of the most finicky people on the planet. So strained and hot.

      ;-D Like my heroes.

      Delete
    2. lol Can't be more finicky than me. This drink sounds good but I won't drink it. I like cold beverages. But I will make it for others.

      -Andy Slayde

      Delete
  15. That was an awesome post.

    I wonder how apple brandy would be...I have some left over from making stuffing at Thanksgiving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apple brandy stuffing? That sounds fantastic!

      Delete
  16. Hahahaha perfect timing. I have a potluck at work next Friday and have been stressing about what to take. I can definitely pass it off as soup. Thanks Josh! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And it will make for such a better rest of the day!

      Delete
  17. Hahahaaa! You're either pampering yourself with booze for finishing A Case of Christmas... or we're going to have the wildest, tipsiest ending for that story. With strained and hot characters, no doubt... :-D

    I'm beat after a very intense day at work and I wandered here in hope of a smile. And what did I get? An uncontrollable, full-blown giggle fit. Thank you, dear. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm slightly tipsy myself after a Christmas dinner with colleagues, so this was just perfect :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love to say "wassail." One sounds a little tipsy already just saying the word. :-D

    ReplyDelete
  20. LOL! That was fun :) I feel drunk just reading about it.

    ReplyDelete