Friday, March 6, 2015

And Then There Were None


Something happened to me yesterday that hasn’t happened in a very long time.

 

I lost a file.

 

As regular listeners know, the next big story up is Winter Kill. The book has been simmering on the back burner of my brain for a couple of years now. Basically it’s about an FBI agent struggling to hang onto his floundering career who gets sent to the Pacific Northwest to check out a possible serial killing. And we all know how that goes.

 

My original outline was okay, but it turned out to be way too similar to another idea I had out on proposal. Or thought I had out on proposal. (That's a whole other story and a half.) So I reworked some things, did a bunch of research, and I rewrote the outline to my great satisfaction.

 

But then the story got pushed back a couple of months because of personal stuff including house hunting and so on and so forth.

 

Long story short, when I opened the Winter Kill file yesterday morning…no updated outline. According to the date on the existing outline word doc, I hadn’t touched the file  since January 27th . The updates were three weeks ago.

 

I checked every freaking file and folder on my laptop. No. No. NO. No revised outline. If it still exists, I saved it under something so obscure, even I can’t find it. It’s lost. It’s gone girl, gone.

 

I did not take it well.

 

I took it very badly.

 

It’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a writer, barring the really big disasters like…stuff I don’t want to think about. Alzheimer’s. Some physical catastrophe that wrecks the brain and robs the mind of words and pictures. But on the normal scale of bad things that can happen to writers, it’s right up there with fried backup drives and stolen laptops.

 

And I was trying to think why. Why did it feel so disastrous? It was only a couple of pages. Maybe at most two thousand words. I thought it all up once, why can’t I just think it all up again? But as I opened the file and stared at that rough initial outline… It’s not just that all the new place and people names and initial cursory field work is gone. That’s tough, yes, but that can all be recreated.  

 

But what can’t be recreated -- not ever, not exactly -- are the story and character details. Not that there were so many, but every word was the key to a line of thought, to images and ideas that were not written down. That didn’t have to be written down, because they existed in the shorthand of the outline.

 

It’s hard to explain what I mean.  And I don’t want to get all woo woo about what is, after all, an intellectual endeavor.

 

Some of it will come back as I begin to rework my way through the research notes. But three weeks is a long time given that the ideas had barely crystallized. It’s not going to be the same.

 

That doesn’t mean I can’t write the book. I can. And for all I know, it’s going to be a better book. The second outline was better than the first, so maybe the third will be better than the second. But that outline -- the pleasure I felt in figuring out that particular version of the story -- losing it is an almost physical pain.

 

And that is the weird, weird thing about creativity.  And why writing a work of fiction is not like putting together a marketing report.

 

***Updated 3-15 to say that I -- *blush* -- found the missing file. It turned out it I handwrote the new notes (which I very rarely do) and I left them in the notebook of projects still under consideration (which was the wrong place). So...false alarm. *cough*  As you were!

65 comments:

  1. Oh Noes! Not good, sorry that happened! It is awful to lose your work like that, esp. after a successful revision...I found this website that may offer a few tips for searching for the file:

    http://www.hackcollege.com/blog/2007/10/17/10-ways-to-find-a-lost-word-document-doc.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do appreciate the thought. I think part of the problem is my word program is pretty old now and a bit unstable (I prefer earlier versions of Word to the current incarnation) and I think that may have contributed.

      Delete
  2. It's so heartbreaking when that happens. Though you know you'll produce another new version you'll always wonder about what was lost.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm very sorry to hear about this and I understand your pain. But given the comments I had seen on GR about this post of yours, I'm also relieved that nothing really really bad happened to you.

    I suppose you have already explored the technical possibilities of retrieving the file. Maybe you can do something to avoid this happening again in the future like an automatic backup or if this doesn't exist for your computer, an automatic reminder for you to make a backup.

    I was so happy when I got as a present the ''Time Machine'' which now comes automatically with every new Mac: it makes an update every few hours and it already helped me a couple of time to save lost files.

    Be well!

    Antonella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, today it's a downer, but not the end of the world. Yesterday it was, well, not the end of the world, but it did pretty much ruin the day and evening. :-D

      Delete
  4. A stomach dropping feeling for sure. Hopefully, it the details will come back to you as you go on. Happy writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's always possible. I just wish I hadn't waited three weeks to check the file.

      Delete
  5. Dear Josh,

    Sorry for your loss. I can imagine what it’s like to put your heart’s-blood (as we say in German) into a project, meaning to do something with passion and investing one’s life essence into it, and then losing it. It cannot simply be replaced. The same way you cannot substitute your first teddy bear from your childhood with something that just looks similar. It will never be the same.

    However, and maybe this is a bit rich coming from me being the strongly sentimental type and all, just maybe there is a bright side to it. The feeling of loss seems overwhelming for a time, but only until you start writing the lost version anew. Then there is a chance you might feel content with what you have accomplished the second time around. Maybe you even begin to like it better. The one thing that will remain though, is the nagging doubt if maybe the first draft was perfect and the second, well, just second best. That awkward feeling will go away only until your readers’ approval will eventually convince you otherwise.

    Take care and cheer up.

    Yours
    Jürgen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the kind words, Juergen. It's true that once I start writing I will become so engrossed I will eventually forget there was an earlier plan. It's the sinking into the story that is so problematic at this phase.

      Delete
  6. Oh noes! I wish I could help you somehow! I can only imagine how you must be feeling — especially when you were so happy with the rewritten outline. Losing even a much lesser file can easily drive me absolutely crazy. And to think that this one was the outcome of successful creative process — it's heart squeezing.

    Hopefully someone will come up with a good idea how to find the lost file — don't give up on that just yet. And if there's no way to find it... like you said, you can write it again, it'll just be a slightly different story. With more angst now, no doubt....

    Anyway, I hope that in the light of a new morning everything looks more hopeful. I will keep my fingers crossed for you today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, today I am resigned and moving on. I think it was especially trying because I had initial problems with the story and then felt so good about the new plan. SOMEONE KICKED MY SANDCASTLE DOWN. Waaah. ;-D

      Delete
  7. Dear Josh,

    I am so sorry for this occurrence and feel sick at heart reading your post. Anything creative is fragile and to lose what was surely a wonderful new version of your story is heartbreaking. I feel your upset deeply. With that said, knowing your brilliance as a writer, I have no doubt you will create a new outline that you will be equally satisfied with. I hope going through this process will mitigate the loss you must be feeling right now. As you said, some of it will surely come back as you work through the research. I sincerely hope it does. Please take care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're always so kind, Susan. I was somewhat fascinated by my own response even as I was experiencing it. Why the drama, llama? It did bring home to me how very different creative endeavors are from all the other stuff we spend our life doing (and redoing). How tricky the creative process is and how temporal.

      Delete
  8. Arghhh, I'm running a search for a file right now, I'm searching by a phrase that I am sure is in the text, I can never remember what the file is called or where I saved it.
    I hope everything looks brighter today or that in a flash of inspiration you remember where the pc hid it!
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The SO had a couple of good suggestions -- check for untitled docs and so forth -- but all to no avail. But yes! Today looks brighter for sure.

      Good luck on your hunt, Jan. I hope it ends successfully!

      Delete
  9. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Josh. Shit happens sometimes and leaves you thinking why, when, how... Just think about it as a challenge to recreate the lost pages, improving them if it is possible.
    Certainly, in a couple of weeks, it will all be a somehow distressing memory in a remote past.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Next week is Tax Hell, so that will certainly prove a distraction. By the end of that I will be only too grateful to sit down and make stuff up. :-D

      Delete
  10. I don't have the words to describe how sad I feel, that you lost your file. Here can only helps hugs and a the knowledge how to search for the lost file. I am sure you will do good, even better work with the new outline, but that helps not to stop your inner voice. And it had take your time and happiness. I am so sorry for that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so sweet, so I have to assure you that I'm much, much, MUCH calmer today. In fact, writing this post yesterday helped me work through it. Helped me view it objectively. So today I am thinking in more practical terms...how can I retrace my steps, etc.

      Thank you for your sympathy, Sabine.

      Delete
  11. Sorry to hear that!! How frustrating. It's almost as bad as your computer froze before you save... It might be worth search the whole hard drive by "keyword", if you could find a unique word/name that would narrow the search results.

    I guess it comes with the life as a writer!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh God! Remember when TWICE I was on the verge of handing final drafts into my publishers and my laptop crashed. TWICE. TWO DIFFERENT LAPTOPS. Same publisher. I'm quite sure they thought I made it up both times. But no. That really was...wow.

      See, it's been a long time since I had a disaster. I'm out of practice.

      Delete
  12. Oh man... That sucks so bad. We've all been mourners of the lost draft at one point or another. So yeah, we feel ya.

    But look at the bright side, Ernest Hemingway said "First draft of anything is shit", so you really didn't lose much, right? :D

    Anyways, hope you get some good writing days ahead so at some point, this won't matter as much anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Writing is always the best medicine. That's the truth. And considering the number of projects I have running at any given time, that was probably the least painful to lose.

      Delete
  13. Oh Josh.. wish we could magically fix this for you! Such a range of emotions when something like this happens, especially with a file chock full of creative detail. Glad to hear today is brighter for you, sending some additional sunshine to help power your "make stuff up" cells. I'm certain your end result will be golden :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Dianne. You're all so sympathetic, I feel guilty for bringing it up. Compared to lost master theses and entire works, it's a fairly small loss. Though I admit yesterday I was pretty much knocked for a loop.

      Delete
  14. Oh no, I'm sorry to hear about your lost file. But like you already said, everything will turn out great in the end.
    It's not the same, but I deleted my master's thesis a few days before I had to hand it in (the original and my backup file - I was really tired!). So I know that you'll be able to come up with an even better outline - and after you're done the lost file will probably turn up somehow. That's usually how these things go. :D

    Anyway, I've happily pre-ordered the book from Amazon and I'm really looking forward to reading it. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh God. Well, that certainly puts it all into perspective.

      Delete
  15. That's one of those moments where the instant stress-spike feels life-shortening. Like you just took time off your life by having such a powerful emotional reaction. The sad thing is, I have that kind of reaction to much smaller events like losing a brief email or a comment at Good Reads!

    On a more selfish note, I didn't know the release had been pushed back & I was expecting to start this on March 8. I've been reading a bunch of short stuff so I'd be sure to be all clear on that date. Bummer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! There was definitely a spike in all vital functions. :-D

      Sorry about the delay. The house hunting has proved more distracting than expected.

      Delete
  16. I'm so sorry, Josh. I can't imagine how devastating it must have felt. Maybe, a little. I remember walking into my bedroom to find my 2 yr old smearing the canvas of a painting I'd just done with both hands. I don't think I pulled out oil paints for 20 years after that. Everyone has such good suggestions for finding your file on the computer. I don't know if it will miraculously reappear, but I do know you can take comfort in the fact that you still have the original and the rewrite both on the hard drive in your brain. Chances are, even if not exact, you will love your new file too. Words are your art, and you will make more. I hope you found a nice glass of wine at the end of the day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Twenty years! Oh no. :-( I do get it though. Something burns out at that moment. I appreciate the wise words though -- I believe you're right.

      Delete
  17. OMG. That is one of my worst nightmares. I've had near-brushes with losing outlines and notes. Instant despair. I understand what you mean about character and story details only too well. I'll often capture entire plot lines in a paragraph--and I have a terrible memory, so to lose that is to lose the idea.

    On an up note, I'll sometimes write down an idea and then later, while flipping through older notes, come across an identical idea in nearly the same words. So at least I know my thought processes are pretty consistent, and although many ideas seem to come in flashes of inspiration, I have some hope of recreating them.

    Another up note: The new notes often *are* better than the old. ;P

    My sympathy--and good luck!!

    --Christine

    (Irony: I wrote this comment and then lost it because of a flub with my mouse pad and had to rewrite. *facepalm*)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! That's funny.

      I think you're right about thought processes working the same. The research was fresh at that moment, but I can go back and read what inspired me and it will all hopefully click again.

      Delete
  18. That's terrible and so extremely stressful... I'm sure the new outline will be even better, but for peace of mind, I really hope you do find the other file. Hugs.
    p.s. keyword search as already suggested, might help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Keren. You've all had such good suggestions. I wish the damn thing would show up just to reward all the good suggestions. But...no.

      Delete
  19. I had to come back and look at the cover again. I think it is my favorite. 😄

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That wonderful cover by L.C. Chase! It's one of my very favorites.

      Delete
  20. Ouch! That hurt me just reading about it. So sorry that happened. How completely frustrating that must be, but I'm glad writing the post helped and that today is better than yesterday. It's great that you are able to quickly get to the point where you're saying "the 2nd draft was better than the first so maybe the third will be better than the second." I'm sure you'll still wonder if you never retrieve the file, but you're an incredibly talented writer, so as one singular fan, I'm not worried at all about how Winter Kill turns out. I'm sure I'll be just as crazy about it as the last, oh 57 or so Josh Lanyon stories I've read.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Josh, go to your start menu and search and then search for key phrases in the book. See what comes up. It may not help, but it might find the file in an obscure place.

    You can search for content in file manager, not just file titles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, it really is embarrassing because I got so much terrific advice on recovering that damn file. And I faithfully tried all of it too.

      and then out of the blue, I was sitting there watching Rehab Addict, and it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't seen my story notes notebook for a while.

      And then the light bulb went on. 8-/

      Delete
  22. Sorry brother. Idk what to say.. Is a patronizing there there ok? its brutal but foriegn to me. I just want to read it. hmm that came off nasty sounding? not meant that way, its my curse.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No matter how many awards you win with this story...the one you would have written with that lost outline would have been better. I myself would have changed the history of linguistics forever and likely won a Nobel prize...had I not accidentally turned off my computer at the surge protector without saving that college term paper... I rewrote it...but it wasn't the same. It got an A...but not the Nobel prize I would undoubtedly have gotten.

    However, in the I'd-prefer-not-to-say-how-many years since then, I have realized that things really do happen fro a reason - and the new outline you build on the ashes of the old will be much better. You have a gift - and it will guide you.

    ...And I might have failed LInguistics if I had turned in that original paper that I long believed to be so brilliant. :)

    Thanks for the great reads...and listens! -TJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, TJ. I have to say that whether I'd found the file or not, I got some of the best practical and philosophical advice from you and a slew of others. So in the end it was kinda sorta even a positive experience. :-)

      Delete
    2. :-D See? And I chanced across this again while browsing, and - although just days after I posted, one of my expansion drives died and I lost about 600 GB of personal files and photos - your reply reminds me to look for that positive. Thanks again. TJ

      Delete
  24. It's a shock to the system, that's for sure. I have a superb kill rate with electronics (phones, tablets, laptops) so I've often had the feeling of lost outlines and poems, and with any pain, given time, it just hurts less. So, to time for healing your grief and giving an opportunity to move on and create on.

    Personally, I've found that if I can send it to myself in an email, my email will always hold it. There's all the cloud business going on, too. Security might be... something, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. I used to faithfully do that and I've started doing it again. Very simple and very effective.

      Delete
  25. Ugh. I worked on a first draft of a technical paper for weeks, then put it away so it could simmer a bit. When I went looking for it again, it was gone. I was so distraught, I remember someone asking me if my dog had died.The good news is that the new paper was better than the old one and it did get published in a good journal. But... ugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's probably a testament to how frantic and frazzled those last weeks before vacation were in that I had ZERO recollection of handwriting those notes. That still blows my mind.

      Delete
  26. I am so sorry that this happened to you, Josh. But what really scared me is that it could have been the actual book, the finished version. Or a whole morning's work -- having to recreate something you've just written must feel awful too. Either Word or your backup systems aren't working as they should.

    I do hope that you will review them so that you don't lose any more work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Helena. And oh yes! Losing an outline would be nothing to losing an actual work. Considering how demoralizing I thought losing the outline was...well, it's actually been a good reminder to be a lot more careful about saving files and backing everything up.

      Delete
  27. Hey Josh -
    Loosing a file like that sucks. I think part of one's reaction to that happening is impotent frustration with what is, after all, a dumb electronic machine. But hey, at least you avoided getting red velvet wall paper that same week.
    Tony

    ReplyDelete
  28. OMG! That totally sucks. If I were you I'd take it as a sign that it is time to upgrade the computer and Word or just Word. If you had a 2007 version, the latest edition is pretty much the same. Also, there is auto recovery against sudden shut down and what not. Yeah, there nothing like that sinking feeling and the music of psycho going through your head when you've realize that you've lost something irreplaceable. Anyway, you're Josh Lanyon and anything your write can only be better than the last. Take it as another sign that third time the charm. 8-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Next computer is going to be a Mac. Of that I am certain. :-D

      Delete
  29. I'm sorry that happened Josh. I'm not a professional writer but I do like to write short stories. I lost the beginnings of a story a while back and was extremely frustrated and beyond myself. I tried to remember phrasings and the play on words I had worked in and just couldn't recreate the original. I can imagine how upsetting this must be for you. I did however write another story and I found it to be different and better than the original. Stories have a way of rewriting themselves and changing things that we may not feel need to be changed. It will all work out; try not to stress...Denise A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is so true, Denise. Whatever fundamental thing that makes the story this particular story would likely not change. So why the idea of recreating it seems so exhausting is puzzling. After all, if I'm not writing this, I would be writing something else. So if anything, rewriting should be easier. But for some reason it doesn't work like that.

      Delete
  30. Back up, Josh. Always, always back up. I recommend an automated off-site backup service such as Mozy or Carbonite. Onsite physical backups such as sticks or CDs are subject to loss or damage so they should at most be a backup to your backup.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Have you tried to search without any search terms, but just for files last saved within a specific date range? I once sorted all the files in my C drive by date in order to find a file I couldn't remember naming...
    - EH

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is still more excellent advice. And I actually jotted a bunch of these down because I do misplace files now and again. Though never to that extent, which is why I think I panicked. :-D

      Delete
  32. Okay, this made me giggle out loud:

    "Anyway, I've happily pre-ordered the book from Amazon and I'm really looking forward to reading it. :)"

    "Oh God. Well, that certainly puts it all into perspective."

    I am currently teaching myself to use Scrivener and I use the heck out of EverNote (for outlines, notes, research...) - both backup offline so even if my Mac decides to go on vacation I still have my work nestled securely within the "cloud".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm always curious about those writing programs. I hear such mixed things from friends who've tried to teach themselves. What do you find to be the main advantage (besides having a safe place to store your work)?

      Delete